Kakashi Teaches Sex Ed
by CrazedNarutoFan
Summary: Kakashi becomes the teacher of a new Sex Ed class at the academy. How will things turn out with the jonin's plan? Everyones lives will be ruined.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- I don't own any characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto.

This story is dedicated to QueenofKH13, my wise mentor.

"Good morning class. As your jonin teachers have probably told you, you'll be required to partake in this Sex Ed course. I, Kakashi Hatake, will be your teacher. Just to make things fair, I've decided to split the room depending on gender. I'll take the boys and the girls will be handed over to Jiraiya. So, if you don't mind, girls will go next door and the boys will stay here."

The class of who were originally the rookie nine went there separate ways. Kakashi noticed Jiraiya getting very anxious. He was getting a bad feeling about letting Jiraiya handle the females. When everything was settled, Kakashi turned to his students.

"Well, not that that's over with, lets get started. These will be your text books for the next month. When we finish, you'll receive volume 2. This course isn't long enough to distribute volume 3, so we'll do what we can with what we have.

Kakashi started down the rows of desks, passing out copies of Icha Icha Paradise. Kiba looked on the back cover to see a warning for ages 17 on up.

"Kakashi-sensei, are we allowed to read these books? They look inappropriate."

"Just don't let your parents know. Now, will you all turn to page 3 so we can get things started."

Everyone opened their books to the page, which was the index. Naruto almost puked at the names of the chapters.

"This is disgusting! I don't want to read it!"

"Fine, Naruto. Then wait until the end of the book. We'll be watching the movie."

Rock Lee started to flip through the pages, looking at the pictures.

"Kakashi- sensei, I feel I don't need to learn about all of this."

"And why is that?"

"Gai-sensei already taught me about it. I'll admit his methods seemed a little unorthodox, but they worked."

Kakashi's eye twitched. This class was starting to feel more like a disastrous idea then a learning course. His fears were confirmed when high pitched shrieks were heard from next door. The girls were running out into the halls.

'Damn it, Jiraiya. What have you done this time!?'

How do you like the first chapter? This will be a few chapters longer, so tell me if you like it.

Reviews help keep the writers block away. If you have any ideas or want to make an appearance in class with some lines, tell me in the review. I'll need your name. I can only take so many, so be the first.

QueenofKH13 already has a part in the next chapter. Don't worry.


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi appeared in the doorway, watching the class of girls run outside. The last girl was pulled aside and questioned.

"Melissa, what did he do?" asking with full knowledge that Jiraiya had caused this riot.

"I think he was trying to seduce us. I'm scared, and I don't scare easily." Melissa hid behind Kakashi as Jiraiya walked from the class next door. He straightened his vest and hitched his pants up higher so they wouldn't fall due to the loss of a 'missing' belt. Jiraiya smiled innocently at Kakashi and Melissa.

"So, did you enjoy the show, Melissa?" Melissa freaked out and pulled Kakashi closer to her, groping the jonins waist.

'Operation grope Kakashi is complete. Phase two…' a demonic smirk over came her.

"Kakashi-sensei, I have to go home. I'm too afraid to go back into that room, so could you bring my books to _my_ house?"

"Of course, Melissa. I'll be there after this class is over. Do one thing for me. Alert the other girls that there won't be a female group anymore. It deems too risky."

"No problem." Melissa ran home to prepare for Kakashi's visit.

Kakashi turned to Jiraiya, a scornful look on his face.

"Jiraiya, this isn't the hot springs. You can't just come in here and ruin my class be trying to seduce these genin. I won't take the fall for your actions, so I'm letting you go."

"You don't mean… I'm fired?"

"Yes. Get your things and leave."

Jiraiya walked into the doorway of his classroom and looked back at Kakashi sadly. He gave Kakashi the puppy dog eyes.

"I just want you to know one thing, Kakashi. I always respected you as an equal as a shinobi. I just wish I knew how to quit you!"

Kakashi sweat dropped, but was fearful with what Jiraiya said.

'I thought he was… Nah.'

Kakashi walked back into class. The guys looked at him like he had three heads. Picking up his book, Kakashi tried to resume the lesson.

"Now, where was I, oh yeah. Turn your pages to Chapter 1. Naruto you'll start reading. After that, popcorn to someone else."

"Kakashi-sensei, I don't feel safe reading it. The title doesn't seem too imposing, but it feels ominous."

"Damn it, Naruto! Just read the first page or I'll have you and Sasuke relive that 'special' moment you shared in episode 3 that all fan girls went wild over. And if that isn't enough, I'll read you a SasuNaru story, to the whole class!"

Naruto gulped at the threat. He had heard of the great fan girl incident that started the revolution of SasuNaru stories. God knew he didn't have the guts to face up to their wicked plots of shonen-ai pairings. Though he knew they could get even worse. Because of that, Naruto hadn't logged on to the internet in months.

'We're already into Shippuden! When will they stop harassing us poor male characters? This must be Masashi Kishimoto's fault for making us so compatible. Damn our cuteness! At least we're not the only one's who suffer.'

Naruto stifled a giggle thinking of how many KakaIru stories he had found. Even Kaka Gai. Oh yes. Blackmail was a very sweet thing.

"Kakashi-sensei, I refuse to subject myself to this!"

Kakashi sighed. He felt nauseous.

"Fine, Lee. You read you must be used to reading GaiLee all the time.

Lee blushed. He did like the pairing. He had read them with Gai. They acted as a bedtime story.

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei. Chapter 1, The First –"

Lee was cut off as the bell rang, ending class. Kakashi sighed.

"Bring your books home and read chapter 1 for homework. Also, write three level three questions having to do with what you read. That's all. I'll see you, if you decide to come back at all."

Everyone walked out leaving Kakashi slumped on the front desk.

"I need some extra strength pain killers!"

This wasn't going to end well.

**So, how was it? Sorry for not updating in a whole week. School's been very time consuming. I'll keep doing my best to keep update time short and steady.**

**Please review****. Tell me how it was. I tried to make it longer and have more substance.**


	3. Chapter 3

'I seriously hope they decided to stay home today. I'm not in the mood to deal with them.'

Kakashi leaned on the doorway to his room, holding an ice pack to his forehead. He'd have to agree with Iruka that hangover really suck.

'Crap, they all came back.'

Kakashi walked in and stood at the front of the room. He picked up a clipboard and started calling off names.

"Alright, you're all here," he said sarcastically. "Is there anyone I didn't call?"

"Me!"

"What's your name?"

"Orochimaru, and my subordinate, Kabuto."

Kakashi raised his head in surprise.

"What are you doing here!?"

"A little birdie told me that Sasuke-kun was going to be here. Plus, Kabuto-chan wanted to read up on human anatomy. Isn't that right, Kabuto-chan?"

Kabuto looked at Kakashi with eyes pleading to be rescued. Kakashi didn't want to deal with that, so he decided to begin class.

"Just… don't do anything funny."

"You don't have to worry about me!" Orochimaru placed an apple in front of him on the desk.

Kakashi sighed and picked up his book.

"Class, we'll resume from chapter 1, where, if I'm correct, you wanted to read for us, Lee. Go ahead- What do you want Sasuke!?"

"Something keeps playing with the back of my leg and neck. It's disgustingly wet."

"I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru retracted his tongue, "It seems to have a mind of its own. But don't worry, it seems to like you."

Sasuke shuddered and nearly fainted. Naruto stood up and pointed jeeringly at Orochimaru.

"You leave Sasuke alone; you perverted pedophile, child molester, Michael Jackson wannabe! He's my man!"

Sasuke ran out of the room and nearly puked on his way out. Kakashi looked at Naruto with fear. That was surely news to him. He threw the Icha Icha book at Naruto's head, hitting him perfectly.

"Sit back in your chair, Uzumaki! Orochimaru, get out!"

"Fine, Kakashi-sensei. Kabuto did you get all the information we need?"

"Yes, Orochmaru-koi."

"That. Is. So. Wrong." Kakashi wanted to gauge his eyes out and scream like a pansy just to help ease the pain he was suffering due to this mess he had set up. "So… uh… where were we? Oh right. Lee, finish this chapter or even this page before this psychotic author puts me through anything else!"

"No probl-"

"Just do it!!"

"A lady in a pink robe walked out from the bathroom to find roses on her bed. She picked the bouquet and-"

"How you doing everybody? Life treating you good?" Gai said as he walked into the doorway.

"For the freaking love of god! No!!"

Kakashi was going to hunt down the author, stuff her in a bag, and beat her against a wall for this.

**How'd you like it? Sorry for the long update. Schools been pretty rough with a lot of tests. I said I'd at least TRY to keep updates short. That might not always happen now.**

**Gomen.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Gai, what are you doing here? I didn't invite you and I don't want to see you."

Gai walked up to Kakashi and smirked.

"I just wanted to know how my little Lee was doing. He has told me some great things about this class. You wouldn't mind if I sat in would you?"

Kakashi really didn't want to deal with Gai at the moment. He reached behind him into his kunai pack and removed a bag. It contained fresh food just bought from the bakery downtown.

"Hey, Gai. I have something for you."

"What is it?"

Kakashi held the item up.

"It's a youth cookie. I bought it especially for you."

Gai's eyes lit up.

"Really? That's so nice of you.

"You want it? Go get it!"

Kakashi threw the cookie through the open window. Gai ran to the front of the room and jumped through the window, breaking the glass. Kakashi pulled down the shade.

"Do you want me to continue my lecture or not!?" Kakashi screamed to the sky, mainly directing it at the author.

"Sure you can. Not!" The author yelled back at him.

As soon as that happened, four men walked into the room.

"Can you please tell us if we're in Central City?"

"Who the hell are you?"

"We're alchemists. My name's Ed and these are my superiors: Roy Mustang, Armstrong, and Hughes."

Hughes walked up to the front of the class and pulled a stack of pictures from his pocket.

"See? This is my daughter! Isn't she cute? I love her so much! Here, I'll pass them around!"

Kakashi stepped in and ripped the pictures from his hand, throwing them out the window to join the cookie that Gai was still looking for.

"Get out of my class room!"

"Nobody tells the military what to do."

Roy stepped forward, challenging Kakashi to a fight. Kakashi made the hand signs for a fire jutsu, but all Roy had to do was snap his fingers. Within seconds, Kakashi was on the ground, charred. The alchemists walked out to join Melissa who was waiting in the hallway. She had offered to let them spend the night at her house (for those of you who read chapter 2, you know what that meant).

Kakashi pulled himself to his feet.

"While I'm at the hospital getting skin graphs, class is dismissed."

The author laughed evilly off in another dimension. Leaving Gai to continue the search for his cookie, barbequing Kakashi, and mentally scarring the alchemists was all in a days work.

**How'd you like this one? I couldn't help but add the alchemists. Are you happy Melissa? Happy Thursday!**

**Please review; otherwise I won't let Kakashi out of the hospital.**


	5. Chapter 5

"Kakashi-sensei! You're back!"

Naruto ran up to his injured teacher and, surprisingly, punched him in the stomach. Kakashi coughed and groaned in pain. He was still healing from getting the skin graphs.

"What the hell are you doing, Naruto!?"

"Where have you been? We've all missed you."

"You've actually missed me?"

"Yeah. Class had been terrible. Once Tsunade found out you weren't able to teach, she sent a substitute. The worst part is that your replacement was Jiraiya. He hasn't been reading the book, but taking us on field trips and giving us demonstrations."

"You wanted me back when he's done all of this for you?"

"You don't understand! His 'field trips' were to bring us to the hot springs and spy. It was scary sensei. One of those girls… I swear to god she was a he. Jiraiya wanted us to take notes after assigning a girl to watch. I got the he-she. And his demonstrations consisted of Barbie dolls and those figurines of all of us major ninja. You know, the ones you find at Toys R' Us that are made by Mattel. I'm scarred for life now. If you thought reading yaoi fanfiction was bad, try sitting through these lectures."

Kakashi was absolutely stupefied. He spun around when he heard footsteps at the door.

"Oh, Kakashi, you're back already?"

"Jiraiya, can you come with me for a second?"

"Sure."

Jiraiya followed Kakashi into the hallway. Naruto flinched when he heard Kakashi start to scream.

"If you harass my students any more, I swear I will cut off your penis and balls!"(1)

Naruto heard Jiraiya scream like a little girl and saw Kakashi come back into the room.

"So, where were we? Oh yeah. Where's everyone else? You're the only one here."

"The whole lot of them stayed home. They're too afraid to come to class anymore. Kiba also got lead poisoning from handling the figurines. (2) He thought teething on the heads was a great idea. I'd hate to say it, but your class is done for. I don't think anyone else will attend."

The two were interrupted when someone knocked on the door frame.

"Um, hello. We're here to attend your class. My name's Deidara and these are the rest of the Akatsuki. Our next mission is to work together and, after learning from your oh-so-wise teachings, get ourselves some girlfriends!"

"Don't forget about me, moron!"

"Sorry, Konan. And get a boyfriend."

Naruto and Kakashi looked at each other in confusion. Kakashi suddenly relaxed and got a great idea.

"You guys… and girl, I'm bowing out of the class task, but I know someone who would be great for you to learn from."

"Who would that be?"

"Her name's Melissa. She lives right down the road. See her for some classes. I'm sure it will be enlightening."

"Thanks. Come on everyone. We have to see this girl for advice."

The Akatsuki left the building heading straight to their untimely dooms. Naruto was very surprised at how Kakashi was now acting.

"Kakashi-sensei, are you okay? I've never seen you act so civilized."

"Yes, Naruto. I'm fine. Go home and rest. I have some unfinished business to attend to."

**In another dimension (the US)-**

A girl sat, evilly laughing to herself. Her TV was tuned onto Toonami and her walls were covered in anime posters. The doorbell rang.

"Special delivery!"

"Awesome! This must be my special edition Kakashi plushie! It's been weeks since my order was placed."

She walked to the door and opened it.

"Hey you're not the UPS guy. Wait you're-"

The author was thrown into the living room and Kakashi walked in.

"I'm sick of your mindless torture of me!"

The girl grabbed the life size Zabuza sword she had purchased (they actually exist) and swung at Kakashi.

"You know what they say, Kakashi! The pen is always mightier than the sword!"

"Then why are you using a sword now? Plus, that phrase is way too cliché."

"You want to know why…uh, your face!"

So started the battle of a lifetime, with the author losing horribly and Kakashi walking away the victor. He left to go back to Konoha. The author was laying on the floor bleeding, when several people walked in on her.

"Are you the author? We were told to see you about character placement in this story. Melissa didn't want to deal with us. It's weird that she only wanted to spend time with Itachi."

The author groaned in agony and tried desperately to stand up. She sat back at her computer and continued to type. Her message read:

"Karma is a mean and cruel thing, as I have come to experience. It can come in all forms and do horrible things to you. What it did to me… it came and bit me in the ass."

She then collapsed to the floor, there for ending this story of betrayal, perverted ness, and pure torture.

"What do we do now? The kid's out cold."

"Let's draw stuff on her face!"

"Nice!"

**Did you all appreciate the ending? Yes, this story is over. It's been a good run of only 5 chapters, but it's quality not quantity. I hope I made you all laugh 'til you were blue in the face. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and much thanks to my friend, DarkSharinganXIII. This story would have never come to fruition without her.**

**Please review.**

**Happy Holidays everyone!**

A line from MadTV

(2.)Based on the toy recalls from China. Some of the toys no doubt were Mattel.


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